so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
got one for peeing in public....called the cop a donut dunking communist...should be a fun court appearance
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
There was a group of girls next to us. One was smiling at me. I only remember walking up and saying "oh you're Russian". Not sure where it went from there
Come to the roof. We are drinking breakfast.
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
I almost had sex in a public restroom last night in case you're wondering how much of a mess 22 is for me
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
It was platonic naked porno viewing, I swear.
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