his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
is asking a girl out on a date while in another girls bed in poor taste?
when i woke up this morning i blew my nose and ash came out.. i'm not sure what to make of this.
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
I cannot even describe to you the most amazing ass I have ever had the pleasure of seeing walk up the stairs in front of me just now.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
i puked in a jesus candle last night and then denied it... i'd say it was a pretty alright night
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
