does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
I would get the one fuckin stripper that's a lesbian. THE ONLY ONE
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
I made out with a guy because he was sitting on my coat...
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
Be there in a sec. We have to stop at Target to buy her underwear first.
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