worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
And he tried to make it as casual as possible by asking where i was going on vacation while he was poundin me.
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
Because you stood over the Ice luge screaming STONE COLD and poured beer on everyone
Got stuck at my fwb place for three days because I decided sex was more important than my safety in the weather. Worth it.
Might be using my graduation money to pay for an abortion.
It's been awhile, you pregnant yet?
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
Theres just something about today that says lets get drunk, dont you think?
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
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