We hooked up with his aunt passed out next to us. It was just like old times.
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
He got kicked out 3 times. I have no idea how he kept getting back in. I saw him walking on the highway the next morning.
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
If I were better looking, this would be the point where I'd resign myself to stripping.
It's like all the guys I keep around if I wanna have sex with all got mad at the same time. I guess I'll get out my vibrator again.
i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital
She's so nice... She deserves all the dicks.
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
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