I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
just turned my empty handle of passion fruit smirnoff into a fish bowl. I love college.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
I did the walk of shame in nothing but a sleeping bag and now I'm on my way to pick up plan B. Let's not make a habit of this.
Sounds like a good New Years
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
How's dating the med student working out for you?
After we had sex last night he showed me where my spleen was.
A true anatomy project.
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
I mean, don't most people have like a two week grace period where it's okay to ditch new friends?
Randomize