I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
she requested me as her brother on facebook.... biggest. letdown. ever.
Woke up fully clothed in bed sleeping on my purse.....we're back!!!
He simply fell in the fire, rolled out and continued to finish his bottle of vodka. Everyone else instantly sobered up just watching it.
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
Made up a full house drinking game
On my way.
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
I think all three of us just need to suck it up and go to lunch with him to keep our bar tab down
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
I just tried to dye my pubic hair teal for her
My mom just used the chap stick I used right after giving him a blow job. I am a horrible daughter :(
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