He ignores my calls like im some kind of stalker chick
Ive only called 5 times
the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
So when I got her home I realized being a lesbian again isn't like riding a bike...
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
She had pubes that could make an episode of Duck Dynasty. Fear the Vag Beard
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
Well I didn't get a shacker shirt but I somehow managed to come home with superman socks
Update: the condoms are expired and Canadians are NOT to be trusted!
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
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