Dude my mom stole all your condoms
shes perfect for him. shes never seen a penis so she has nothing to compare his to.
She was drinking straight whiskey out of her peacock shaped vase again.
if the best thing you can say about him is "he probably wont kill me" you may want to rethink hanging out with him
I dont know what we smoked last night but I woke up and found out I started writing a book called White Trash Princess. Its the best thing Ive ever read
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
I wouldn't know what to do. You never really mentally prepare for a cactus getting thrown at your face.
I know he’s a bad decision but he's casual, his penis is amazing and his technique is on point.
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
Got drunk tryed walking 12miles to zacks house woke up at noon on baseball park
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
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