My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
Turned out not to be so bad. He had a big dick and i owed him for all the free beer over the year.
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Oh that could end badly if you get them mixed up.. you know who I think you should focus on?? THE ONE WITH THE BIG BLACK COCK, just sayin
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
There's a naked man in my car right now.
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
We got really excited for country fried steak then we had sex.
i woke up on the couch at 5:24am, hangover, craving for some ribs, but i only had a bag of cheetos and a half empty beer. man what a breakfast.
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
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