I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
his profile picture is him throwing up "#1" hands after his lax championship next to his coach that i fucked....embarrasing for him, yet ironically beautiful for me.
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
My judgement was not "clouded". My judgement was in the midst of a fucking hurricane or something ridiculous.
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
We couldve played the bring a random boy to lunch game but i made him go home
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
Its alot like that time you got motorboated by the carni at the rodeo.
I did not appreciate your texts about spanking at 3'o'clock this morning.
I touched a dick in church today
Randomize
