Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
South Carolina's governor once cited "moral legitimacy" when he was a congressman voting for President Bill Clinton's impeachment. Karma is a bitch.
At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
Still waiting. He said he'd call between 2 and 10... apparently he's like the Comcast of drug dealers.
Dude totally calling you out on watching when harry met sally on netflix on demand on april 8th.
I don't want to talk about her cat for two hours only to dry hump till I'm blistered. Not worth it.
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
That was so not worth putting pants on for.
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
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