I was staring at you from my window across the quad. I wanted to let you know so it's not creepy
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
it's been dubbed the summer of antibiotics
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
I'll have to start mass sending dong pics to get the recognition I deserve
Is it just me or is Michael Jackson blasting throughout the house
He has me blocked on facebook.... so I stalked him using my cats fan page.
It was bad. U were calling my cat "kittiano" and playing her like a piano. Way too drunk my friend.
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
