Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
It was like a secret agent hookup. No names, swift execution, get in- get out.
Y'know, without the cops, it would've just been us daydrinking,
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
His balls looked like two miss shaped chicken nuggets
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
So I paid Bumble $10 to see who liked my profile for a month. Cheap, easy dick. It's all about the economics, yo.
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
Randomize
