I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
if I'm at school tomorrow just indulge my moment of pity and let me cry on your shoulder
I cNt phones. tingles in my fingles. jingles
I had a sex dream. With two guys. And my subconscious decided to put your dick on BOTH OF THEM. If there is a society where that does not mean "I cherish you" I do not want to live there.
I don't know his last name, but he's in phone as Pat the conqueror.
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
HE HAS CHALLENGED MY BADNESS. I MUST CONQUER ALL THAT QUESTIONS MY POWER. BRING FORTH THE TIT PICS.
Just please try not to piss Danny off, I really can't afford to find a new drug dealer again
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
Randomize
