Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
if i remember New Year's Eve then there is something seriously wrong.
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
No I'm done finals, but I'm not coming home until these hickeys are gone.
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
