im letting my talent of no gag reflex go to waste
Just saw an Asian guy riding his razor scooter to class. Dreams do come true
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
Who is he, asking me if im dtf without a question mark
...
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
We both got free alcohol and got laid by foreign men last night.
I'm not going out again for the rest of my life. I can't top this.
When he swipes my v card it will be comparable to my bat mitzvah. should I make sweatshirts or sweatpants?
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
You call it sex. I call it penis conditioning.
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Randomize
