also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
I'm pretty sure it all started going downhill last night when they suggested I see how much sambuca I could fit in my mouth
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
We may have picked the wrong resort. Brenna and I have already been propositioned for swinging twice and we've only been here 3 hours
I wanna go back to school and change my major to psych just to make a case study out of her
my ass is still wet. this is highly unpleasant. give me 5 to get changed and I'm all yours. or you can yell things to me while I shower and burn clothes
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
And you hate the library
Yea but I love drugs and my grades
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