My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
She has her iPod in her ears slippers and sweats on and is walking around the house up and down the stairs getting "exercise" she just stopped for a water break
I just did my online traffic school at the bar. No biggie.
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
I now have a full length bright red cape in my possession. Best sex trophy ever.
But the Super Mario beer pong table is more than appropriate.
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
Not at all! I'll let your potential employer know you have a huge dick
this is a PSA to never have sex in a bed from ikea
I am NOT losing my v-card to a guy who doesn't know my ass from my elbow.
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