Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
I honestly wish you had parked the car in the terminal garage and fucked me in the backseat but I guess I should be more forward
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
I couldn't drink enough to fuck the friend, you said challenge accepted and stole some chicks shot.
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
i am rolling on molly so fucking hard i want to do 300 cartwheels
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
Randomize
