I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
I just saw a hot homeless man
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
His buddy came running in the room after we had sex, and started "sponging" the sweat off my forehead with his sport wristband.
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
If there's anything my liberal arts education has taught me, it's belligerence.
sex on a trampoline, in the rain, on ecstasy, just thought you should know.
Sorry about the confusion with the nudes last night that was rude
all I know is that I was naked, and there were cheeto puffs everywhere...
Randomize
