Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
She looks like Sash Grey but sounds like Fran Drescher. Advise.
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
You never go ass to mouth. That's quite possibly the most important rule Paramedic school has taught me.
My vagina just recognized that song.
Im gonna need you to always be ready for drinking or this will never work. grow up peter pan.
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
I WAS JUST SITTING HERE BEING SNIFFED BY ODD WOMEN FOR A SOLID 5 MINUTES. My face was a twist of utter fear and confusion...
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
She had pubes that could make an episode of Duck Dynasty. Fear the Vag Beard
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
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