it sounded like he was fisting a can of crisco.
sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
she's sitting on the other side of the room at this party. with her smirnoff tucked in that little opening between her cleavage and shirt. drinking from a straw. snapping her fingers off beat.
it's love
which bright sisters idea was it to put semi-formal in the middle of no-shave november?
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The last thing I remember is yelling "ill handle this" while wearing a lion suit and holding a jug of vodka when the RAs came
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
but then the words kidney pain and possible testicle shrinkage kept ringing in my head
They were actually really boring considering how we met them.
howd you meet them?
They got shit-faced and decided to take a train to a city none of them had ever been to. We found them wandering the ghetto, with a bottle of gin and singing Disney songs.
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
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Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
On the oral sex Super Bowl board I drew 7 and 1. If I get lucky, someone will be swallowing during Madonna's half time. I'm sure she'd approve.
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
2015 is a year for health and mental stability and alas we are not yet there so yolo
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
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