I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
Should I text him? Life is confusing when you actually like someone instead of just wanting to blow them.
The drink u got me is pineapple something w. Cigarete ashes in it.ima drink it anyway
Dude wtf I'm sitting behind some girl in class who is creeping on my facebook page. I don't even know who she is..
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
We woke up in the room with a hamburger patty on the bed side table, one bun across the room, and the other bun under my pillow. Still don't know who ordered room service.
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
you drug him to get him horny then deny him sex. freaks.
Randomize
