i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
Well I woke up with a note on me reading Dear Passed Out Girl, and ending with why I shouldn't drink so much. Damn Tequilla.
Waking and baking has revolutionized how i brush my teeth. Seriously up to like 25 min everry morn. Highly recommend
Please please please tell me that is not a pringles container full of pee that your little brother just got a hold of.....
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
Once he blows his load, he's more of an immediate flight risk than that jetBlue pilot. He's out the door before his cum is out of my vajayjay.
I gave him head in my cape. On the kitchen floor. Watching a show about bacon.
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
Randomize
