do u usually make out with people before telling them your name???
i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
I was very proud of myself that day. I had an awesome time. I don't care if I negatively impacted others.
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
He burnt his arm on the grill, then turned around and started blaming it on the burger buns...I think it's safe to say he's drunk.
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
