so i had a choice between studying for my physics test on fluid dynamics or spend the night with my girlfriend. hello doubletasking.
took shots out of a medicine cup. i can get used to college.
Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
Should I wish him a happy birthday?
Well he has been inside of you enough times that you probably should.
i just cleaned my bong... I do not feel healthy
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