so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
Shit sorry. Maybe I wont give you this sweet ass fanny pack I found in my parents attic
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
How do you get a black eye playing beer pong??
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
So I stappled myself into my toga... that should be interesting getting out of later tonight...
Well, you've continued the theme of living with people who's dicks I've sucked.
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
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