I think I just sold my virginity for plane tickets
i dont think my parents would of encouraged me to save years of birthday money if they knew what i would eventually spend it on
Karaoke into a bottle of boones. dear summer in alabama, glad to see you again.
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
Just pooped at the strip club. NOT NORMAL . I may be a little too comfortable here.
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
I think your dick broke my retainer, I normally wouldnt care but my orthodontist died and I don't want my first appt to be blow job broken retainer with a new ortho.
There was a pumpkin carving contest and we carved a very realistic dick about to penetrate a vagina. Our Christian Youth hosts were not happy.
I went full Overly Attached Girlfriend. You never go full OAG.
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
Just woke up beside some twink in a kilt.. how is your sunday going
Randomize
