Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
I don't care if you go out, because at the end of the night I know i'll be the one fucking you.
that was completely unnecessary, true, but unnecessary
whenever I think of his sister, I just picture a chick with a huge beard
She was that classic mixture between "Hell no" and "Why the fuck not."
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
This is just what we do. We meet guys, go back to their place, smoke all their weed & go home to compete in out own version of Cupcake Wars.
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
If by some world ending natural disaster I get into an actual relationship with this kid, should I tell him the truth about the web of lies I've based our current relationship on?
My ass is underappreciated
She had a baby Jesus butt plug
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊
i accidentally gave my stepdad ketamine so id say it was a fun weekend.
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
Randomize
