Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
mark tries to be a total badass to make up for the fact that he's a poor man's pete wentz
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
did you seriously just ask me if there is such thing as a sophisticated batman shirt?
Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
Please tell me joes at work safe and sound and doesn't smell like jail?
I dont know it just seems wrong to fuck her on my exes back porch
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
Did we just second hand smoke crack?
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