she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
I learned his name tonight. This now makes him a real person. Obviously, I no longer want to sleep with him.
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
Bachelor party turned 19 hour search and rescue in the mountains. nbd
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
Well it's been 24 hours and I still feel like a mammoth sat on my balls
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
Can't you just imagine you've grudge fucked me so we can get past this?
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
By this time next year I expect us to have full time jobs that we can call out of so we can day drink on beautiful days like this. Oh, and grill.
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
Randomize
