everyone knows that carl winslow was the sexiest man in die hard.
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
Depending upon how the Sox game progresses, I'll either cry on the bar or fuck someone tonight...
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
No, I found out he was gay when I walked in on him blowing the guy from the dorm room next to ours.
I'm starting to think that Cosmic Steve ripped me off
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
Randomize
