I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
I should probably just look up vagina pictures in the anatomy textbook. That always cheers me up.
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
I figured out why her friends always say g is for god when she leaves with someone. She wears a double g cup bra
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
pesky things like morals, self-preservation and cowardice are not needed. overkill is nothing but a word. there will be blood.
I'm looking for whatever I can find, and afford without having to eat my emotional support cat
I have already put on my inside pants.
I like it here so far, only people are a lot less accepting of my terrible decisions and it's cramping my style
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
Randomize
