on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
Playing the biology drinking game in my 8am. Drink everytime he says species or organism. I love st. Patricks day
No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.
and my loofah got caught on my nipple ring in the shower today. what an awful experience.
We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone.
You guys make me sad
You misspelled jealous there
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
These bubbles make my penis feel like it is resting on clouds.
I have a half pound of weed, a case of beer, 8 frozen pizzas and a hard dick. You have a high tech super-bong and a chest of sex toys. That's our vacation week right there.
She went outside in nothing but her panties and came back inside 15 minutes later wearing a different pair of panties.
A guy in a gorilla mask got blown on the lawn. And then the night got weird.
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
may or may not have entered into a gay civil rights discussion with 6 year olds. Hint: I did.
Randomize
