I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
I have a music final in an hour so I put all the classical songs we need to know in a shower power hour playlist, beer included.
I dont care if your mom convinced you it should be an abstinent christmas. I did horribly on finals and i'm out of booze, so you will get over her and FUCK. ME. NOW.
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
Trust me. I don't get home before 5am. I know what Immmm doing. BTW bail money is in my closet. PEACE
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
Of course I'm using oj as a mixer, its flu season.
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
I'm never going to adult. I'm staying a child. The only thing related to adult that I want to do is you.
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
Randomize
