So. Did i wake up at 430, try to drive home, stop to throw up at a shell, and try to clean out my car and drop my keys in a full dumpster? Yes.
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
You should have been there. We got drunk and threw a sword through his windshield.
i was so fucked up i thought i was at home depot
His ankle bracelet went off in the middle of sex. That makes a girl reevaluate her life...
Now that I'm hitting my bong, I realized I haven't missed something so much in a long time. I love Thomas the Dank Engine.
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
Just broke my no shot rule again.. Made out with a stranger. That's 0 for 3 this month for the record
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
Only true party girls take their birth control with Smirnoff.
Everytime after he came, he'd laugh uncontrolably for ten mintutes. He was sober..
Randomize
