I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
you want my honest opinion? I'm sure refering to her vagina as the "bat cave" was your first mistake.
I just spent my lunch hour driving around campus yelling "TRADE LIVES WITH ME!" to all the freshmen moving in
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
She gave us all a pep talk at the bus stop at 1 AM. It involved cupcakes and somehow ended with her making out with her best friend. God bless college.
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
So somehow today's lecture on the immune system turned into me having to stand up and explain female ejaculation to the class.
Day 10 and still no sign of rescue in my pants.
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
I'm disgusted with myself. I feel like I need 10 boxes of Summer's Eve and a baptism.
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
Randomize
