THAT'LL be a good time.
and i don't know why my phone always capitalizes that word.
Believe it's possible to jerk off while watching the food network.
Please tell me this is my four loko that I just woke up in....
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
Every single item that was in my fridge is now in my hot tub. Please help
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
i know. like I have the nerve to talk about poverty. I eat peanut butter out of the jar.
I don't remember where I was but I remembered that I hated everyone there
I think once you know a guy's chest measurements the stalking has gone too far..
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
Randomize
