I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
i have it on good authority that she is not as good at giving head as she claims she is
i think i just witnessed the elusive male walk of shame
so i was dancing to the glee soundtrack with highheels. i tripped. and the dildo fell on my face. i dont know what happened.
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
Pretty sure that propositioning you to fly across the country for sex fest '13 isn't something my husband would approve of.
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
Why is my belly button ring in my ear
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