literally had 100 drinks last night.
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
I can'nr wwn explain this nihght . So amnt dixks. Shitttttt.
Haha, oh man. I'm awake now. Slept in my headdress.
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
Her vagina was like a painting you can put your face in.
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
i peed in the parking lot at work not even thinking, a woman saw
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
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