My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
Between cock and motorcycle I'm glad I don't have to sit at work tomorrow
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
currently wearing a football players overly sized underwear. discovered a shot count on my leg. I'm a tank hahahhh
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
Dude imagine how many pictures of dicks Obama gets. That can't be unusual. Almost every kids in the US has written the president a letter.
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
You can wear anything you want
So... Naked it is then
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
I can feel your judgement through the phone
How are they?
Amazing! These new boobs are going to break blouse buttons and wedding vows!
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