matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
Can I use cash for clunkers to trade in her boobs for a new set of 18 year old tits?
Its worth a shot.
I just saw a girl walking up the hill with a little red wagon full of booze... I want to be in her study group.
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
New found love of volunteering, when there's free wine available at all times. Good times. And I get to to feel good about helping people.
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
I still feel like a bad person. A shoulder to cry on became a dick to suck.
And suddenly....Tubas. Tubas everywhere.
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
Your vagina is like Nancy Drew lately.
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
Randomize
