so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
He looked at me like he has never had a girl throw up on him before.
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
currently wearing a football players overly sized underwear. discovered a shot count on my leg. I'm a tank hahahhh
There's a man in a pumpkin/reaper outfit advertising a new head shop outside the Taco Bell. I love this town.
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
Just remembered when I first started going down on him he goes "ok now I feel a little better about the broncos losing"
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
You have not lived until you've had your brains fucked out on a broken down Tunnel of Love ride. Life is good.
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
In any case. I fucked a married couple recently. Know what a straight person would've done there? Been super weirded out by 1/3 of the genitals there, that's what.
Randomize
