i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
We drove around last night shotting fireworks out the window while they had sex in the back of his car
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
You would be my first round pick for a drinking team
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
i love you man. i hope we fuck some serious shit up this summer.
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
Looks like it rained condoms in my room last night
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
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