ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
No, I'm a firm believer in "Swallow or it isn't love."
I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
I'm doing somethin that's never been done before...the 10 am booty call come over
it took us a while to figure out sex on a tire swing, buuuuuuuut MISSION ACCOMPLISHED
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
I'm a drunk white girl and my ancestors were drunk white girls, if we apologized our species would be extinct.
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
I masterbated to his instagram page. Too far or....?
Thought for a game. Duck, Duck, Grey Goose. If you're tapped, you take a shot. Then proceed as normal.
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
Randomize
