I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
dont ever smoke after you drink again... i dont think ive ever seen...or heard of someone throwing up and farting at the same time. that is, if you were farting.
As gay men are we obligated to learn the Single Ladies dance.
Fuck buddy has no power. Invited her over to use my shower. I love hurricaines.
I had his cock in my mouth and he still wouldn't shut up about Star Wars.
dude, i turned on the light and asked if they were ok and they STILL didn't stop. Most determined sex EVER.
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
But seriously, I love you and you are a good person and I'll get you some ecstasy
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
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