the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
Idk if you remember me telling you about him, but I gave him a hj under the stars. Kind of added a little disney aspect to the whole experience.
This is the most scared i've been of my hands since i did shrooms.
Dude. I legit missed class because I got too engrossed in the porn I was watching. Also I need to figure out how to get as flexible as these chicks. Some of the positions they do are outrageous.
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
You went to pound town last night and chow town this morning. Boy you need a passport.
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
Randomize
