Do you know a sam ****, im at the bar right now and lookin for some dirt on her to guilt trip her in to sex
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
we drove through mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu. We told the workers that were making Super Size Me 2, drove away without paying and told them to bill our producer.
So many bounce houses so little time
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
Seriously-without actually meaning the statement for it's words- that made me want to put a baby in you.
So I just stole my deans keys to break into the dining hall to get coco puffs. I shouldn't have gone to this meeting stoned.
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
I promise I won't bug you anymore, I just need the following things at your convenience but preferably soon: my earrings, cup, and panties. Thanks. Good talk.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Randomize
