chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
I don't know how I'm gonna do that tomorrow. I feel like I was hit by the motorhome. LOL I WAS.
I've done nothing but whore my gay ex bf out for the past 48 hours. It's getting weird.
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
I'm allowing myself one mistake a year. He gets to be 2012.
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
I had a rough night. I'm just gonna lay here and masturbate for a while before I have to go adult.
Would you by any chance know if there is a proper protocol for traveling with one's vibrator? I wouldn't want the TSA to rip open my suitcase in front of my boss.
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
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