happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
New word for getting laid so we don't sound like whores in public when we are talking about it : stamp the passport
After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
this is the second time this week i got a blowjob from a crying girl.
Dude, had to, it's Canada Day, I fucked her for Canada. Seriously, I put my Canadian flag on my bed and fucked her on it.
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
Were you the one who yelled "FOR GLORYHOLE!" then punched a hole through my door?
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
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