i hope your v-card owns a pair of floaties
we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
For gods sake, I only took one. With two nyquils. What a happy world its been today. Fulfill your obligations and then its marvelouso.
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
We went to the casino to try to earn enough money to go to new Orleans comfortably. I'm already drunk. This is a horribly immoral start to summer.
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
WHEN YOU HAVE SEX WITH A GUY FROM A DIFFERENT COUNTRY YOURE SUPPOSED TO NEVER SEE THEM AGAIN
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
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