Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
you made wolf sounds and yelled "team me" the entire movie
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
you were crying and trying to give advice to people.. that's was a new level of drunk for you
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
Bro she gave me the stare. It's like she boned me with her eyes. I'm going in.
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
He nicknamed his dick "the fountain of youth" I think it's time to move on...
Randomize
