my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
You peed in the parking lot while a car was was waiting behind us. And when people walked by you proceeded to say "careful you might slip"
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
I jumped on his cock in 2 seconds flat. Thanks mom for sending me to gymnastics when I was a kid.
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
My month off booze swimsuit season diet plan is working well. Plus I'm learning so much about my house, did you know a girl named Meagan lives here?
The fact that it neither of us came up with the reason of "it's morally and ethically wrong" speaks volumes about this relationship
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
Just had a threesome with a married couple.
Stop living my dream.
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
party at the soccer house. crumbs in my sexy panties. can't. put. pieces. together.
Randomize
