I am not having having sex with guys at the moment.
I can pretend to be a girl if you want. I have a tongue.
What's the procedure for failed threesomes? Do I friend her on facebook this morning?
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
He got hit with a horseshoe, set on fire, fell out of a tree, and puked all over the side of his car, all before midnight. Everclear.
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
I'll only sleep there if we can bone on your balcony.
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
The bartender remember my drink from last sat. I think we just became drocals...drunk. locals.
He was eating me out on a picnic table on the frame lake trail and right after I came, a group of hikers walked around the corner. Stood up just in time
And this is one of the many reasons why you need a car.
Randomize
