R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
what is with people arguing over soda or pop? to be honest i thought it was just called chaser
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
everytime he speaks i want to fuck him less. i just wanna tell him to shut up and take his pants off and we could both be happy.
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
