You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
naighbors jacking off again. i swear its his friday night ritual, its like he knows the night wont be ending in his favor
vagina is talking i cant
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
she might purposely get aids just to give it to you. I think she might hate you that much.
It's called penis withdraw. Or alcoholism. I get them confused these days.
She came back in her actual cheerleader uniform. Made a bad bj tolerable.
she scratched her sororities letters into my back when she was done. i think i was part of some sick game. sick twisted sexy game
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
Should I be scared that after we hooked up she took antibiotics with Sailor Jerry's?!
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
Is there evidence of another human being getting away with this/ not dying?
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
I don't know what to do about my nipple.
Randomize
