last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
so he stopped for a second, looked up at me and said in a really creepy voice, "I can has cheeseburger?" and then went back to eating me out.
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
i only avoided him because he looked like he was about to have a heart attack and i didnt feel like doing cpr on my day off.
what type of emt are you
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
Two words: blizzard sex
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
Randomize
