Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
All I have in my fridge is chocolate cake, pizza, spicy mayo sauce, beer, and weed. I love college
Hypothetical question: If I threw up in the dishwasher do I clean it up or just turn it on? :(
someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
did we cross streams again? the only thing I remember is seeing a dick
two questions - what stuff of mine was pawned and who has the pawn tickets.
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
If you make 120 dollars and I walk instd of drive and don't eat or smoke this week we can pay rent
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
Randomize
