Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
Just fucking put out. It'll be a good lay, promise. Stop being a prude. Damn it. A boy is trying to put his penis in you. APPRECIATE IT.
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
You could totally spank that new found Catholicism out of him.
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
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