Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
why does he always try to puke into shot glasses
You need to stop having girl talk with the guys I'm sleeping with.
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
It's seriously like a finger. But it's a cock. I don't know what to do. I feel like I fuck him to be polite.
woke up and somehow me leather belt got torn in half. either we partied with the hulk or some chick just could not wait to see my dick. probably the former tho
I looked so sad that Jessica gave me a bar of soap. So that's where I'm at.
my boobs just made me lose a game of beer pong. the balls hit them, bounced off and into the cup. twice. ive never been so disappointed in them.
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
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