Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
Just spent 3 hours on the Mcdonalds website. I don't know what to do with myself now that college is over.
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
Also...you were trying to touch his balls without him noticing
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
his mom gave me my lost underwear folded up along with the rest of my christmas present. tell me this cannot be happening.
BEER BONG IN THE STOCKROOM COME IN TO WORK TODAY
should i go to class, or party with a mariachi band?
meriachi band is very tempting, do they have dos equis?
rolling absolute tits, turn on the red lights for when i get home.
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
Just FYI....you totally yelled out Royals while we were having sex last night lol.
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
Randomize
