and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
If i could bang her from 80ft away, I would
After the tests come back negative, you guys will look back on this evening with fond memories...
If youre the one that ate my brownies this morning I only have two things to say to you
Those had pot in them
And good luck on your interview asshole
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
You really do take on your dog's personality she sounded like her pug breathing when we were going at it.
Randomize
